This is an ad about refinancing your home. So, why did they choose this particular picture to go with this ad? I would expect a picture of a house, or an old dude cutting his grass, etc… I would not expect a shirtless Rob Zombie look alike (don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against Rob Zombie).

Now, I can assure you that I have not been searching for “latex” or “dresses” and I am most definitely not a weirdo (at least not in that way). I understand the ShamWOW recommendations, because I had clicked a link to a stupid video for that commercial yesterday. I don’t understand why they think I want to watch that gimp video. Why are you recommending freaky videos for me YouTube??

The victims, both farmworkers, told deputies they were awakened by a stranger applying “Pappy’s Seasoning” to one of them and striking the other with a sausage.

and:

Burrimond said the money was recovered, but that the piece of sausage used in the attack was discarded by the suspect and eaten by a dog.

The full story can be read here.

And…in case that page disappears you can read the entire story below by after the split.

Burglar victims wake to spice rub, sausage attack

By Louis Galvan / The Fresno Bee

09/06/08 21:55:06

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A burglar who broke into a home just east of Fresno rubbed food seasoning over the body of one of two men as they slept in their rooms and then used an 8-inch sausage to whack the other man on the face and head before running out of the house, Fresno County sheriff’s deputies said Saturday.

Lt. Ian Burrimond, describing the crime as one of the strangest he’s ever heard of, said a suspect was found hiding in a nearby field a few minutes later and taken into custody on suspicion of residential robbery.

Deputies, he said, had no problem linking the suspect to the crime.

Antonio Vasquez Jr.

“It seems the guy ran out of the house wearing only a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks, leaving behind his wallet with his ID,” Burrimond said.

Arrested was Antonio Vasquez Jr., 21, of Fresno.

Burrimond said deputies headed to the victims’ home in the 300 block of South Thompson Avenue near Kings Canyon Road shortly after 8 a.m. Saturday regarding a burglary in progress.

The victims, both farmworkers, told deputies they were awakened by a stranger applying “Pappy’s Seasoning” to one of them and striking the other with a sausage.

Both the spices and the sausage, Burrimond said, reportedly were obtained from the victims’ kitchen.

After the man fled, the victims discovered the home had been ransacked and that some money was taken, Burrimond said.

Burrimond said the money was recovered, but that the piece of sausage used in the attack was discarded by the suspect and eaten by a dog.

“That’s right, the dog ate the weapon,” Burrimond said.

“I tell you, this was one weird case.”

Notice: If you are older than 60 years old, please stop reading now.

I spotted this ad at the top of MSNBC.com this morning:

This ad is incredibly deceptive. Look at the before picture on the right. That woman looks like she’s been living on the surface of the sun since the Eisenhower administration. She can’t be a day younger than 125.

There are several reasons that prove the woman in the before picture is not a burn victim, but in fact a victim of a horrid photoshop job:

1. The woman in the before picture is smiling. No one with a face that tortured by the elements is going to be smiling. Years of baking cookies for ungrateful grand children would have turned that smile into a scowl years ago.

2. A woman that old would never have that many teeth in her mouth, and the ones she would have would look like little baked beans.

3. Look at her hair. While it is gray as expected, it also looks long and luxurious. A woman of her age and experience would not have long flowing locks. She would have an old lady afro like this one:

In closing, if this product does work I’m going to buy a whole case now and save it. In about 20 years, I’m going to slather it all over my entire body. Heck, I may even have to do the same to my wife after she falls asleep around 5:30 pm after a day of heavy knitting. I will post back here in 20 years and let you know if it really works.

Have you seen the Citibank commercial where this dude takes his woman to a fancy restaurant that took forever to get into, and they start bitching about how the food is tiny, and is in fact “elf food”? I’m talking about these 2 clowns:

The picture sucks, I know. It’s hard to take pictures of the TV but hopefully you’ll get the idea.

So, they get all worked up because they are served elf food, and decide the only logical thing to do is to buy more substantial food at a gas station. Mmmm….every time I hear the word “Texaco” my mouth starts watering.

Take a look at this woman’s fingers (if you can muster enough will power to pull your gaze away from her freakishly large nose):

They look fairly normal, no? Note the ring on the ring finger of her right hand. Now….look at that same finger as she goes to give the store clerk her credit card:

Not only is that ring missing, but her FINGER IS MISSING. What the hell is that gnarly discolored stump where her ring finger used to be? The wife and I thought at first that maybe her finger was bent, but it just doesn’t look that way. A few more frames of the video confirm our suspicions:

That hand, my friends, does not belong to that woman. It must belong to a guy that got it stuck in the sharp angry bits of some sort of dangerous farming equipment.

Now, I have nothing against people with missing (or extra) fingers. But WTF? If they are trying to film a scene with a “CITI” card as the main object of interest, wouldn’t you think they would take the extra time to try to find someone in the room with a full set of fingers? I just don’t get it.

Next time this commercial comes on, watch it closely and let me know if you saw the same thing.

This was on MSNBC.com, in the local section for my area. What was this “hot dog incident”? Did he eat too many and get sick on someone? Did he throw a hot dog at an old woman? Click here to find out.

It drives itself just like the real KITT, except it leaves a trail of rust behind it.

Now, if only they made a toilet seat version. That would be something.

I snapped this at the fabric store while I was with my wife this past weekend. This senior is still stripping AFTER 25 FREAKIN’ YEARS! I wonder what strip club in hell she dances at? If she’s still giving lap dances, I hope she remembers her Depends. This woman should NOT be stripping. She should be in the kitchen baking me cookies.