I come to you tonight dear reader with a heavy heart and a fowl (?) foul mouth. I will try my best to restrain myself for the sake of the kiddies but it’s going to be very very hard.

I just got back from spending most of the day at the Rhode Island DMV. If you’ve never experienced this lovely branch of government, you have got to try it sometime! Bring some food rations and a couple of sets of extra clothes because you’ll be camping out for awhile.

Let’s go back in our time machine so you can understand what led me to this god forsaken hellhole. Back on August 10th, I got a hankerin’ for a hunka vanity plate. I figured it would be pretty bad ass if I could cruise around in my ‘92 Chevy S10 pickup with a plate that says “JUICY” , or “PIMPALICIOUS”. Now, from my past adventures at the DMV giant suckfest, I figured it would be wise to order my plates online. I was psyched. I tried to get “JUICY”, but it was taken. “PIMPALICIOUS” was too long (I know, a real bummer). I settled on “ARCADE” which was not taken. I coughed up $42.50, including a $5 convenience fee for paying online. I guess the fact that the whole online thing saves them lots of money is so convenient they feel the urge to celebrate by picking my pocket.

I was presented with this:

Now, I don’t use my rust bucket as a commercial vehicle. It’s not up to the task. I’m lucky I can get it started. For the sake of accuracy, I took a look at my existing plates, and they read “combination”. Hmm….I was a little confused. I see nothing on this page telling you what to do for a pickup, so I looked up exactly what a combination plate is. It’s basically a plate for a vehicle that can either be used as a passenger OR commercial vehicle. I knew trying to get through on the phone to these bastards was futile, so I figured it would make sense to put this in as a passenger vehicle seeing it wasn’t for a business.

A couple dozen clicks later, I was done. I paid, and printed out my receipt which said that I should get a notice in the mail saying the plate is done within 6 to 8 weeks. If I don’t, to call a certain number.

OK…that’s not so bad. 8 weeks go by, and I get nothing. 9, 10 weeks – nada. 11 weeks, the big zero. I figured something must be up, so I call the number and left a message. I was called back, and told that was the wrong number. UGH…OK…I call the right number and the dude says it usually takes more like 14 weeks…this is starting to get real convenient now.

Over the coarse of 20 ish weeks, I call a few more times. Finally, after 5 MONTHS I get a notice. This is almost half a year folks…

OK…now, I have a DMV that I could literally walk to. It’s right around the corner…BUT they send my plates to the main DMV in Pawtucket, an hours drive away. Can you see the convenience stacking up here?

Alright…fast forward to today. I decide that I’ll mosey on down to the old DMV and pickup my shiny new plates. I’m told to wait in line and make sure they have my plate, which I do. The guy finds it, and tells me to wait in another line over there. That line is to get a ticket so I can WAIT IN LINE. That’s 3 lines now. At this point, the convenience is piling up pretty high, and I’m having difficulty getting air.

Alrighty then….about 90 minutes later they call my number. The lady takes my paper work, gets the plate, and tells me I can’t have it because it is supposed to be a commercial plate. WTF! She then prints out the same image I have above, and tells me that it was my error. Because it was my fault that their website sucks monkeys, not only do I not get the plate – I don’t get a refund. Now, I’m pretty understanding and I know it might not be this particular shriveled old prune’s lady’s fault, but the lack of compassion in this woman was stunning.

I spent 5 months plus 90 minutes waiting, 2 hrs driving, and $42.50 for jack squat. I can’t remember the last time I was this pissed off.

I have the option of going back there for more punishment with my car, to put the vanity plate on it instead. I may do this, but at this point I’m dreading going back.  I may just bite the bullet and signup for another plate instead: